However, tonight I have decided to try putting some of my thoughts down...The ones that have rattled around for a while in my brain just looking for a way to get out, but not knowing how. I have never claimed to be a literary genius or excel even a tad bit in the English Grammar department, so read on if you dare. My sister seems to have gotten those genes. :-) Here goes nothing...
I was driving home tonight, after doing my laundry and other mundane necessities of life, and heard the song "Beautiful Ending" by BarlowGirl on the radio. I've heard this song many times before, but tonight it got me thinking. Me thinking...this could be scary!!! You see, the analytical and creative sides of my brain often war with one another. I tend to over analyze everything...and I mean EVERYTHING! I know this drives some people crazy, but I can't help it. I've done it my whole life. On occasion, my creative side takes advantage of the analytical coma that I sometimes fall into and it wins out. My brain is constantly spinning...what ifs and whys and maybes all over the place. It can be quite exhausting! But I digress...back to the drive home...
See what I mean?
The chorus to the song goes like this...
So tell me What is our ending? Will it be beautiful So beautiful?
My ending...will it be beautiful? And what exactly does that mean? The story of my life...what is it? Do I even have a story?
I have been thinking a lot lately about what my passion in life is...what am I hear for? I thought I knew...but then life happened. You know, life...that thing that happens just as you are beginning to get the swing of things, settling in, or feeling comfortable. My "life" spiraled out of control a few years ago. Just as I was settling into a comfortable life with my husband and feeling like I was finally ready to start having children...life happened. For me it came in the form of a cheating spouse and a marriage that ended in divorce. I relocated, became "homeless" and was left with not much more than an agreement for a little financial support. An agreement from someone whose word meant very little to me (if anything at all). Broken and defeated, I sought the refuge of my family and the protection and peace of my God. At times, God was all I had. Alone and weeping in a ball, curled up on the floor, His peace filled me in a way that I cannot even begin to put into words (I don't think that I could even if I was a literary genius!). For me, this was the truest form of the verse (Philippians 4:7) ...the peace of God, which passes all understanding. I still cannot explain the peace that came over me during that time in my life, except to say that I know God was always by my side.
Life happens to us every day. More often than not, most circumstances are beyond our control. I notice things happening around me every day that just break my heart and tick me off! I don't know what to do to help make things better. I see friends and loved ones bearing these tremendous burdens and want to do anything...everything to see them through their crisis. It's difficult to just sit by and watch. It's gut-wrenching. I do not like it at all! I try to do what I can, but sometimes that just doesn't seem like it's enough. What do you do for a friend whose daughter is stricken with an inexplicable illness? or a friend who's not making healthy choices for their life? or a friend who has to watch a child slowly die of an incurable illness? What about all of those who are experiencing extreme financial hardships? I almost broke down in the grocery store the other day when I was behind a woman who had to put some of her groceries back because she did not have enough money to buy all of the food that the cashier had scanned...she only had $10! Why? WHY does this stuff happen?
I don't have an answer.
Life isn't always pretty. It can suck at times...and not in a good way. Where will we be at the end of it all? If you were taken away from all of your friends and all of your family and left alone...all alone, what would you do? I have come to realize I must be content to be alone because sometimes life leaves you in solitary confinement. Alone in a crowd. If you cannot be your own best friend...how can you expect others to stand to be around you? For me, I know that even when I am completely alone...I am not really alone. I have God by my side. Some people say those words but never get the chance to truly experience it. I can't say that I would wish my "life" experience on anyone. That raw emotion was quite painful. However, I would not be who I am today without experiencing everything that I have gone through. I'm happy. I may not have many possessions but I have what is important to me...my friends...my family...and my God.
What am I hear for? I'm still waiting for an answer to that one too. I know that I do have a purpose...a plan. I have a passion to help those afflicted by crisis. I'm still trying to figure out how God's plan for my life will be carried out. The great revelation will happen, it's just a matter of finding the right door that my figurative "key" is supposed to open. When will it happen...who knows? How? I have no clue. But it is exciting to think about my future. It's kind of funny when I think about it...two years ago I would have not felt excited about my future. Now...anything is possible! It's a little scary...but scary exciting!
So for now...I wait. I'm content to wait where I am...even if it is in Missouri (pronounced: misery)...
And life...it goes on. However messy it may be...it happens. But it is beautiful. I've heard it said before that it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I think this is true. We are much more capable to love and be loved than we give ourselves credit for. It is a scary thing to put oneself out there...open...exposed...but the reward is far greater than the pain. So love those around you with all your heart because time is fleeting. We only have today...tomorrow is not guaranteed. Be there for that friend whose choices you may not agree with, because after all, you may be all that they have. Support the friend whose child is ill and lift them up in prayer. Be a shoulder to cry on for those who must watch innocent children succumb to fatal diseases. A hug can go a long way...so can a smile...to lift another's day!
And as far as my ending goes...I don't know...that part of my story has yet to be written. But I'm sure it will be quite beautiful...at the end of it all.
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