To Be...Or Not To Be?

*I should be studying right now. Let me just get that out of the way, first. I am taking an EMT class this semester and we have our first quiz tomorrow night. Quiz? You say. No biggie. But for me, daughter of an educator, it is a biggie. All things education related are biggies. So...I freak. But alas, my brain will not allow me to learn any more Anatomy and Physiology, so I ended up here.

I was talking with a friend tonight about life. My goals, dreams, and pretty much anything else related to life as I see it. I started down my "path of doubt" that I sometimes frequent. Thankfully, my friend was there to call me on it. I didn't even realize that I had started to journey down that path. It's nice to have friends like that. It makes me happy.

That discussion got me thinking. Why do I doubt myself? Why am I having such a hard time focusing on my goals...my dreams? I have long realized that I have spent most of my life worrying about what others think of me. I hate feeling paralyzed by my fear of failure. I have so often cared too much about what others might be thinking about me or what they might want, that I overlook or stifle my own desires...my own needs. Even now, I feel somewhat selfish in typing that last sentence. Why? I do not know.

In Emergency Management, it is stressed that first responders must see to it that they have taken care of themselves first...ensured their own well-being...so that they can then see to the needs of others. In other words, a person can't take care of others if they themselves are in peril. I'm not saying that I'm in peril or anything, but I need to take a lesson from the lessons that I've been studying. Clearly, I do. It's not selfish of me to pursue my goals...my dreams. Instead, pursuing them will be a way for me to serve and help others, which is my passion. I've been looking at it all wrong and backwards.

I often joke with my friends that I'm all tough and can be, as I jokingly refer to myself, "Bad-Ass Kandi." But I'm really just all mushy on the inside. Don't get me wrong, if anyone messes with my family, my friends, or the kiddos I work with...you better watch out!!!!! I would defend them all to the death!!! I mean it...really. Having me on your six is a good thing...a very good thing! But why can't I be that way for myself? Defend myself? I do not know. If I did, I would not be asking you. When it comes to an attack on me, I tend to roll over and just take it. Why is that? I wish I knew because it has not turned out well for me so far. I have gotten 'it' on numerous occasions, quite often by people who should've had my six (that's 'back' for those not in the know). Maybe I was waiting for someone like me to have my six? Who knows. Think about that though...I should've been watching out for myself. Apparently, I did not. I never saw it coming. WOW! What a revelation! I need to take care of myself first so I am better equipped to take care of others when needed.

But then again, I think that me having my own back implies that I have to be guarded. I know I should be somewhat guarded, but I have difficulty drawing that line. When do you know that it's okay to let someone in? Two days, two month, 6 1/2 years of marriage? When? Is there a time or does it depend on the other person? How do you know? I've learned that the answer is that you cannot know how things will turn out. You have to jump in and allow yourself to experience the relationships or you have to close yourself off. Getting burned is never fun but neither is being a hermit. Humans are not made to be solitary creatures. It isn't in our DNA (or so I've heard...I do not pretend to know anything...and I mean ANYTHING about science).

Now, I just need to take what I've learned from relationships and apply it to my goals and dreams. I just need to jump in and allow myself to experience it. Like relationships, my goals and dreams might go bust...but I can just pick myself up and start again. I'm not looking forward to the pain of failure...but who does. However, I know that the rewards of successful relationships far outweighs the pain of the bad ones. So too could the joys of attaining my goals and dreams. I'll never know if I do not try. It's a scary prospect to jump into the deep end when you are not sure if you have what it takes to keep afloat (not to mention worrying about the great whites that are absolutely positively lurking below your feet ready to snap you in half!!! *Shark Week!!!). But jump...I must! Because I cannot let these dreams pass me by.


***Thank you...my family...and friends that I have met along this journey. Some of you are dear friends...some not so dear (but you're probably not reading this anyways)...just joking (or am I?!?)...you have helped make this path bearable. I now have a request (which you may or may not honor-but here goes), I have some ideas...some dreams...some goals for myself. I ask for your support...your encouraging words...your honest words. However, I do not ask for your suggestions on what I should be doing instead...or what you think I would be great at if only...or your set-ups/blind dates (not that I'm opposed to "going out" but he'll have to find me on his own because he has to want it more than any of you want it to happen. Set-ups/blind dates have only ended in heartbreak for me so NO MORE!!! *He being a fictitious character in this instance...for now). I know that you mean well, but I need to chase my own dreams. I was given these passions for a reason. I need to see what it all means. Please join me in my journey if you see your path going in the same direction. It's always nice to have friends around...Sometimes they see things that we can't see and help us to be better. That's what a true friend is. When this is all said and done and I go off to Heaven...because that's where I'm headed...I hope that at least one person can say that their life was made better because I was a part of it. (But if they can't, I guess it won't really matter, because I'll be in Heaven!)...so Nevermind!!! :-)